Journal Day #1

I feel like the majority of my blog posts are "we went here, we did this". I guess that's the point of a blog, so that your friends and family can keep up with you. But I'm feeling the need for my blog to be a little more. I'm playing around with a few ideas, so bear with me. If you follow my instagram account, you may have noticed my last "currently" posting. I think I may post those to my blog as well. 

I'm trying out a journal project with Danielle of Sometimes Sweet in order to get a little more creative with my posts. If you want to keep up with the journal prompts, follow along here.

Here's this week's prompt- 

"Everyone has a time in their life they view as a crossroad. Sometimes you can see it as it's happening, and you're able to choose one way or another. Other times you may not realize you're there until you look back, and see what a turning point it really was. This week, write about a time you view as a marker in your life; a distinct place where things changed, for better or worse. "

Oh boy. Let's start with a big one, huh?

Everyone who really knows me can tell you that I'm an introvert. Most of the time I'd much rather spend my time with books and family pets than people. I've been that way since I was a kid.  I would never say that I was a complete loner. I definitely had my close friends. I feel as though my crossroad was influenced by two people in my life. I won't say that they made me take one path or another. I am my own person and I take responsibility for my own actions. Besides, I don't so much mind where it has taken me in life.

1) My older brother is also an introvert. We've both always gotten along. He was more social as a kid, but somehow, somewhere along the way, he became much much more withdrawn from others.  I remember when he had gone to college a few states away (I was in junior high), hanging out at the airline gate (because you could still do that back then), waiting and waiting for his plane to come in and then attacking him with a hug. It was sometime around or after that day that his own crossroad must have occurred, but I don't know. Over the years, I watched him continue hiding from people. People would come over, even family members, and he would slink upstairs to avoid interaction. But that is his own story, whether he ever tells it or not.

2) My best friend in late elementary school and junior high was also an introvert. We were two peas in a pod and we loved it. She got me into anime and role-playing games (the communal story-telling style, not the dice-rolling adventures, although I probably would have gotten into that too), which were a huge part of who I was through high school. Even though we were best friends, she hadn't been able to tell me about her depression. She committed suicide when we were freshman. 

Yes, there were a lot of 'what ifs' in that time, for me and for everyone else. But that is a story for another time. I loved her, and I missed her. I still miss her. I still have thoughts of 'what if'. I wish that she had felt like she had someone to open up to, even if that person wasn't me. 

This was my crossroads.

It made me realize that I never wanted to feel the way that my friend must have felt, like no one would understand her. I didn't want to feel as though I didn't have someone to talk to. Maybe a person wouldn't understand exactly what I was feeling or why, but as long as I had a person who would listen, or even just be there, that should be, would be, enough. Above that, I didn't want my parents to ever go through what my friend's parents had to go through. I wanted to be happy.

I think that as I watched my brother grow further apart from people, I subconsciously realized that I didn't want that for myself. I may not be a people person, but I didn't want to avoid them completely. I chose to be more outgoing, even if I didn't necessarily want to. This decision has subtly steered me through life. It probably wasn't even that noticeable to most people. I was (and am) still me, but I chose to be happy.

And now, I have my amazing husband, who I can sit next to on the couch, both of us with a laptop or book. I can happily coexist without interaction, and he doesn't mind a bit. But when I poke at him and say, "Hey. I love your guts", he's okay with that too.